I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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