so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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