You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
