I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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