I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.