Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
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Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out