Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
