Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
