So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
