Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
