Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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