he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
