apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
