You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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