Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
