I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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