Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
