You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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