My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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