my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
