The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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