haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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