I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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