I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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