Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
