I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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