Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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