I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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