you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
