I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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