my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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