He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dear god my vagina.
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