theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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