my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
