Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
