I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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