my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
