Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
