Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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