Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
