It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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