I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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