I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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