Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
