Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
