i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
