Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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