It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
