If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
