11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
