I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
