I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
