You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
