dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
