All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
