I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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