Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
