I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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