I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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