Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
